First quarter report card

Wow, time flies when you're trying to slow it down by writing about it. The school year's first quarter has come and gone, and I'm starting to think that, one of these days, I have to actually start teaching something. This can't go on.

Anyway, with very little evidence of what has and hasn't been accomplished, it's time to review and assign letter grades. Here's my progress report, as far as I'm concerned:

Attendance: A-

Punctuality: A

Quality of instruction: C

Quality of comments on student papers: C-

Lesson Planning: F

Dreaming of Being a Better Teacher: A+


How I arrived at those grades (using statistics gathered by the international research organization FACT--Fabrications Andy Created Today):

Number of students I'm supposed to "teach" on any given day: 137
Number that are absent on a given day: 39

Number of phone calls I've made to find out where absent kids are: 9
Number of disconnected phones I encountered: 7

Number of quizzes taken this quarter by my students: 1,693
Number of quizzes passed this quarter by my students: 397

Number of pep talks I've given: 32
Percentage of students that stay awake during pep talks: 11

Number of students that have told me to "fuck off" in the hallway: 7
Percentage of times I've thought of quitting after being told to "fuck off": 100

Number of staff meetings I've missed: 7
Number of staff meetings I've attended: 17

Number of staff meetings I've attended where I actually learned something: 1
What I learned at that meeting: How to use statistics to make sense of a senseless world

Number of lives I've changed this year: 6
Number of lives I've changed for the better: 0

Percentage of days I've consciously tried to remain positive: 100
Number of times I've been successful: 4

Number of students that have surprised me: 12
Percentage of those that have been positive: 25

Number of high-fives given: 75
Number of low-fives given: 19
Number of too-slows: 3

Number of students that have promised never to be absent or tardy again: 11
Percentage that have succeeded: 0

Dollars spent on supplies and equipment this school year: $1,250 (roughly)
Dollars that have been reimbursed: $225

Hours spent on this blog instead of grading/planning/working: 93